October 9

On this day, 32 years ago, Ian's mother lost her battle with cancer. She was 30 years old. He was six. Sadly, we have this loss in common.

October 1st was the 27 year anniversary of my mother's death. She had turned 35 years old the day before she died. I was five.

I don't have too many memories of my mother but I do remember watching her die. I remember everything that was said and everything I saw. I remember my brother, Chris, filling up a bowl of water and telling us to give it to mom and trying to wake her up to drink it while he called for help. Later he told us he meant for us to throw the water on mom to wake her up. I remember the paramedics arriving and even though they tried to make us turn away I remember peeking and watching her body jerk as they applied the defibrillators to restart her heart. And I have a few glimpses of her life in my memory as well. Sitting on the counter in a darkened kitchen lit only by the light above the stove, watching her stir a big pot with a wooden spoon. She is telling me that no matter what happens I will always be her baby. Maybe she knew something the rest of us didn't. I remember her running with me and my sister,Brandi, and jumping on the couch as we watched Chris run down the hall screaming 'there's a rat!' with the mouse actually running between his feet. I remember her drinking wine with sugar in it. She told me it was meant to thin her blood and watching her lay in bed, read and drink her wine while I was supposed to be napping when she let me lay with her instead of going to my room. I remember finding a deaf kitten and her letting me keep it even though my dad said no. I remember dad coming back to the neighbors house that we had been rushed to after the ambulance finally took mom away and telling us that she was never coming home. I remember when we moved from Plano, I was sad because I thought that if we moved she couldn't find us when she came back. To a five year old, death isn't permanent. I remember having a dream of her where she did come back and she brought a bag full of gold from Heaven as a present for us. I remember missing her when my own son was born and when my father died and when my beloved grandmother died. And I miss her today. This year on my mother's birthday, Ian bought me a gift. He wanted to celebrate her birthday he said because without her, he wouldn't have me or Brandon. I know she would have loved how much he loves us both.

So today, Ian, my great love, I want to say that although we have both suffered the loss of our mothers, we have each other and we have a wonderful son. And sometimes that is life's plan...sometimes life throws you a life-raft...even in the darkest of waters. I am so blessed to have you in my life. I love you.